I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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