Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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