sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
