i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
