Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
