My underwear smells like fireworks.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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