I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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