Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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