hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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