I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
3 2 1 whiskey
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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