I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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