foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
