Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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