Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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