She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
