Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just invented taco cereal.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
