So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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