Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
