thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
