come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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