Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
