That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
