Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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