How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
