If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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