i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
