Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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