When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
