dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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