Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
