The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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