the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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