I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
