i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
