So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
