i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
