I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
