I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
