is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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