i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
