i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Text me some of your sweat
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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