I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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