Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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