If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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