I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
