I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
