is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
