So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
