I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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