When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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