I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize