I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the day after is always just damage control
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just want to make out with him forever
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
